Sleepless nights. Long hours lying awake listening for a choke or gasp. Endless notes pages detailing symptoms. Marriage and career under strain. Gut wrenching guilt going to work when you know you should keep kids home. Daily negotiations administering meds.  Hours of research in the dead of night. Fear in your child's eyes at the mention of another procedure.  Bone aching sleep deprivation.  Nothing left to give, then giving your all, day after day, year after year.  Anxiety at play dates.  Stress of long weekends. Waiting for specialist appointments.  Loneliness, so vast it feels like it will swallow you whole. 

These are my silent battles no one sees.  My daily battles. The battles that end up defining your life having 2 chronically sick children. The battles that I pretend I don’t have when sipping my 5th coffee in the staffroom at morning tea. 

Frankie 7, Beauden 5, have dealt with chronic illness since they were born.  Passed off as reflux, or chest infections, unassuming childhood illnesses.  But it’s been more than that. It's been years of antibiotics, to which their bugs have grown resistant. Procedure after procedure.  It’s not until your children are familiar with hospital stays that stretch weeks at a time.  When a pic line becomes a preferred method to administer meds. When you hope your favourite night shift team is on. Then you realise, perhaps my normal is quite different to most.  Those silent battles become loud, though only you can hear them. 

True Colours have been a shining light and glimmer of hope. When those silent battles slowly grew so loud and I had no place else to turn. True Colours bridged a gap. The gap of Access.  Access to play therapists for children who carry years of medical trauma. Access to earlier interventions. Access to robust management plans which in and of themself provide predictability, freedom and flexibility to families dealing with sick children.  Access to counselling for those that advocate tirelessly. 

Our fortnightly sessions have been life changing. My children have found themselves again.  I have found joy in the small moments, the big moments, all the moments.  My children’s fear is manageable.  My anxiety is in a place of cautious optimism.  Precious months between procedures have been joyous this year. Anxiety and fear gave way to peace and calm.  We have filled our buckets. My children have risen up out of themselves, grown in confidence and charisma, learned to swim, play soccer, to experience a mum who laughs a little more and stresses a little less. 

This is only due to the collective efforts of the team at True Colours. Their involvement and support have been life changing. Intentional, kind, empathetic. I feel heard and most of all the loneliness is gone. A team who recognises all the silent battles that led us to this point and gently helps ease the load, not just for me, for my children too.  Help, with nothing asked for in return.  Their generosity is immeasurable, support unwavering, authenticity palpable. 

Our daily battles that were once silent are now spoken. Heard only by a select few, within the walls at True Colours. What a priceless gift that has been. 

To help True Colours continue to support families, find out more about regular giving at www.truecolours.org.nz/wings